Who was I then? Who am I now?

I love this picture because it was taken when we were on vacation in Avalon, NJ.  I was 3 months pregnant and 2 months away from knowing of V's diagnosis.  I love that E is sitting on her sibling.  I remember wondering if V was a boy or a girl (I was sure she was a boy.  I was totally wrong).  I captioned this on Facebook as "Me and my TWO babies (!!!).  I remember that it was finally sinking in that I would be a mommy of two.  

E would have a hard time sleeping at the beach so I would lay down with her until she fell asleep.   I remember being curled up with her on our double bed and thinking, "I am holding both of my children right now."  It was amazing because it was the first time I thought of that.  Then I remember the sinking feeling I felt when I remembered thinking that after the diagnosis and I realized time was running out to do that again.  I started rocking E to sleep more at night while I was still pregnant with V because it was a way for me to hold them both one more time.  I would dance with E in my arms at our Kindermusik class and know V was swaying within as well.  

I have read that a lot of fellow Baby Loss Mommas look at pictures of themselves before and wonder at who that person in the picture is, if she has any idea what's ahead.  Of course not.  Look at that smile!  I still smile, but I cherish that I have that smile recorded for all time.  The smile of a mother expecting to live a life with her two healthy, perfect children.