Capture Your Grief - Day 6

Day 6:  What Not To Say

This is specific to someone anticipating a loss.  If you know someone whose baby has a fatal prenatal diagnosis, please don't try to remind them to cherish every part of their child while they are still here.

This is a lot of pressure for the parents-to-be that they are most likely already placing on themselves without comments from anyone else.

They already know the clock is ticking.  Every breath is a reminder that the sand is slipping from the hour glass.  They probably aren't counting down the days until their due date like a typical expectant family.

I tried to record and feel and treasure every kick while I was pregnant with Violet, but I had to respect my grief and sadness, too.  Some days I just couldn't enjoy my time with her because I knew it was coming to an end.

Because we were fortunate to get some time with her while she was alive, I did (some how) calm down enough to occasionally take breaks from doing it all, cherishing every bit.  Others held her, changed her, loved on her, too.  That's the way it should be.

I took showers in the hospital, but I would be terrified to step out of the bathroom after them to see if she had taken a turn for the worse while I wasn't there.

I slept for about 2 or 3 hours the whole 58 and a half hours that she was alive, only because my night nurse shared her story with us.  Her son was stillborn.  I knew she understood and I let her wheel the bassinet out across the hallway to the nurses' station assured that she would wake me at any change.  I ended up waking on my own at the exact time that Violet started making some crying sounds.  We needed each other again; we had been apart longer than ever before.

Despite all we had with her, as soon as she had her first apnea episode, I told my husband I hadn't held her enough.  I remember him looking right into my eyes and telling me to stop.  So.  Much.  Pressure.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Now we sometimes talk about how we wish we had taken more videos, but we have to remember we were trying to balance it all.  We were trying to enjoy her first hand.  It's never enough.