I stopped cloth diapering. For now. I told myself that I wouldn't cloth diaper until the newborn haze had settled, but I started earlier than I thought I might. It's not that he was an easy baby, no, not at all with the reflux, but I guess I was excited to try cloth. I loved it. I still do. It's not the cloth's fault. But the other day, I turned around and snapped at E while I was swishing out a poopy diaper in the toilet all while trying to keep D's chubby hands out of the dirty water and I thought of this. I had to step back and breathe and reflect and apologize to E and I still had to rinse the damn poopy cloth diaper.
I'm going to take the three months that I thought I wouldn't cloth diaper in the beginning of D's life and trade them in for now. October through December, man, every year. So much emotion, so much family time, and so much pain. I try to clear off my calendar a bit and retreat, but not too much.
Grieving is tough. Being a parent isn't easy. Being a person isn't easy. No kidding, you say.
If I owe you a phone call, a thank you, an apology, or a blog post, I'm sorry. You cross my mind as I'm trying to do a zillion other things and even all the coffee in the world, my Google calendar, and all the help I get can't give me more hours in the day.
Something had to give, guys. It's the height of my grief season. I overload my plate to try to keep the grief from seeping in, but then I still have to find time to visit with it regularly. There is a (much wanted, always) needy baby, a preschooler who is growing up too fast, a husband who I adore but our private moments are all too few, and my dream to turn this blog and my writing into something larger. These are all taking a space in my life and it's a balancing act, always. When I step back to take inventory and evaluate what to cut, it's the cloth diapers. Making sure the house is clean so that I can have guests over. Making the kids' birthday party invitations myself. 90% of the things I have pinned on Pinterest. DIY eco-friendly cleaning supplies, YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT. There are people in my life who are The Most Important Things.
What do you cut out when something's got to give?
I'm sitting here at the top of my stairs while my daughter plays downstairs and my husband took the baby out to bring in wood for our fireplace before the rain starts, taking one freaking moment to myself after playing dolls, blocks and doing a fall craft, and I'm thinking "What do I cut out? Nothing!" I still hammer myself to make the homemade cards, the homemade tortillas, and the homemade Halloween costumes. I'm still nursing a 19 month old who still gets up 3 times a night. I'm still making dinner from scratch. I'm finishing a cross-stitch pattern I started 8 years ago. Seriously - cross-stitch? Now? I just started writing a novel. Really? A novel? WTF am I thinking?
ReplyDeleteIt's no wonder I rarely get through a day without yelling, without losing it on someone, whether it's my kids or my husband. You really have me thinking about what has to go. It's pretty obvious that the cross-stitch has to go, but that's kind of soothing. I think it might have to be nursing at this point. Broken sleep makes it hard to function, and I've been trying to let go of nursing for a few months now, but each time she "asks" for it again, I think "This may be the last one." And I can't stop.
You really have me thinking...
Wendy, I think that things that bring us enjoyment (the diapers) or relaxation (the cross stitch) can be worthwhile until they aren't anymore. Both are projects that we can return to later! I understand your hesitation with the breastfeeding though because that may not be the case!
DeleteGood for you for recognizing that something had to give. Being (relatively, in my case!) sane for your family is more important than what kind of diaper the baby is wearing. Thinking of you during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Emma!
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