Fall & Memory Triggers

It all started on the first cool fall day this year when I stepped into a warm shower.  Something about the transition of that  temperature change took me right back to last fall when V was born.  It's fascinating to me that smells and temperatures can trigger memories that I've tried to get to all year with pictures and my mind with no success.

Nightmares started last week.  I've had two so far.  One where she was already gone and I was taking care of her body.  One were E was choking and she looked just like V did during her apnea episodes and I told my husband that I can't watch another one of my babies die.  I haven't been able to dream about her all year except in nightmares.

I'm sorry that the blog is going to be dark and real for the next month or so.  I promise to try to mix in upbeat parts as well.  I just don't know where else to get this out.  If you are still reading, thank you for walking this journey along with me.

I told a new friend last week that I feel badly imagining readers coming here for educational activities and stumbling into this mess of grief and loss and pain.

She said, "That's educational, too."