Mom to Three: Two Here, One in My Heart

I'm a bereaved mother. It's a very important part of who I am but it doesn't define me. And yet when someone asks that seemingly innocent question, "How many children do you have?" I always pause before deciding what to say. This Mother's Day I'd like to answer it in a different way.

I'm a mother to three kids with two here and one you can't see. She's always in my heart and on my mind and her name is on our lips at all times but you won't see me loading her in and out of a car seat or chasing her at the play ground.

One thought was heartbreaking to me from the moment we learned we were expecting our rainbow baby D even thought he is much loved and wanted and has filled our lives with more laughter.

"I'll never have a picture of all three of my children together."

We have photos of E with her sister but now that D has joined us we'll never have a complete family portrait ever again. I think of it every time I look at an almost perfect picture of my two here. Every photo seems slightly off and then I remember why.

A reader (turned new friend) approached me recently to ask if she could draw Violet for us. She's been challenging herself to draw every day and recently those drawings have turned to portraits of loved ones and others who have touched her life in some way.

She draws from photographs so when she asked me for a picture of Violet to draw from I was struck with an idea. What if she could give me what I want most? A picture of my three children together.

We were discussing recently how her blogging the process and daily progress of these drawings compares to me writing about my grief. We both feel that we are putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable way to share these parts of ourselves and yet in doing so we get so much more back personally from the task that we forget that we are helping others.

And that's an understatement to say that she is helping me. Just look at that photo of the drawing as it is now. She is bringing the image of my heart, the definition of who I am as a mother, the answer to the question of how many children I have to life slowly through her attention to detail and shading and amazing talent. I'll never be able to thank her enough.

So this Mother's Day I thank her and you for celebrating all mothers especially the ones who outlive their precious little ones.

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This post is first of many in The Ultimate Guide to Baby's First Year. I'll be joining with over 40 other bloggers to bring you tips, resources, recommendations, ideas, and advice about your baby's first year of life. We're also bringing you tons of huge giveaways so you won't want to miss the rest of this series!

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