Dear Violet

Dear Violet,

Happy birthday, baby girl! It's been three years since you were born with a tiny cry. They handed me the most beautiful little girl bundled all pink, breathing on her own, a true miracle. I struggled to say everything I wanted to tell you in a few moments but the words didn't come to me. Instead Daddy and I stared at you, touching your face, pushing back your hat to see your brown hair (so long!), and kissing you.

As they wheeled us into the recovery room something happened. The urgency I felt in the OR was replaced by an overwhelming sense of peace. First Daddy bathed you. While he was washing you off you were staring over at me, sucking on my finger. "She's really trying," I said. We had been told you might not have the suck and swallow reflex you needed to nurse. But when they handed you back over to me all clean you went right to it, baby girl! You nursed as well as you could and we did it. We did it together!

You met your big sister E. She looked at you so calmly, touched your face so gently. She gave you kisses and a big gold star balloon. She was so proud that you were finally here and she had a sister!

Next you met your grandparents and most of your aunts and uncles. Everyone held you as two photographers snapped what seemed like millions of photos (but would never be enough).

We got to know you so well. We were told to expect minutes, maybe hours, but we got two and a half wonderful days with you. It was more than I ever dreamed possible. We learned what you loved (sleeping on Daddy, having your forehead rubbed, and Momma's voice) and what you didn't (diaper changes, changing clothing, being cold at all). We heard you hiccup and snore and squeak and cry. We will always wonder who you would have become but we know who you were. A tiny, but tall little baby girl with so much personality. You gave us so much. You gave us all of you.

We're getting on a plane this morning. For my whole life I wished to go to Disney. On every candle I blew out and every shooting star I saw for my whole life I would wish to go to Disney. Now I wish for you.

We'll ask E to pick out a special cupcake today and your little brother D will sing Happy Birthday to you. He calls you ViVi. We all miss you so much. We love you. We wish you were still here,

Love always,
Momma